Sometimes we get an unexpected question and hear a surprising statement. “Why are you charging me that much?” Or, “Man, your fees are high!” It can be jostling. Words hit our ears and are interpreted by us through the self-referencing definitions and filters we all have. Then we react to the words as we’ve defined them. Remember that words are merely symbolic. We’re the ones who add meaning, and that often leads to assumptions about what the other person is saying.
When you feel blindsided by a question or comment, step one is to slow down the situation. Give your intellect time to catch up to your emotional response and primal reaction that naturally occurs. Respond, don’t react. The fastest way to slow things down is to reply, “Really…. Tell me more. What do you mean by that?” Or “Can you explain that a bit more so I better understand?” This allows you to slow your own mind, and you’re forcing the other person to clarify their meaning and intention.
It’s so easy to forget that words are symbols. If I say “couch” or “lamp,” you know what those things are. However, your vision of a lamp may be (and probably is) quite different from the one I’m referencing. The lamp in my office has an elephant, and I’m sure there was not an elephant in your vision of a lamp when I said the word. Language is always self-referential and symbolic. Our emotional reactions occur because of the way we interpret the word(s). If a comment feels disrespectful to you, it’s probably your interpretation, or at the very least, it starts with potential misinterpretation. Just like your image of a lamp may be nothing like the one I’m referring to.
We are often hijacked by our own definition of what’s being said, not the other person’s words. If you feel like you’ve been disrespected or are being attacked, more than likely, it’s not true. You’re reacting rather than responding.
Communication is really hard. Well, accurate communication is really hard. And the hardest communication occurs when the other person is removed. The most difficult communication known to man is the written word. Layer in the brevity of texting, and it’s harder still… and often misunderstood. Speaking on the phone, while not as hard as writing, can still be difficult. You lack the person in front of you.
The most persuasive communication is face-to-face and knee-to-knee. You can pick up on subtle facial and body language clues. Plus you are also communicating beyond the words you use by your own body language, dress, mannerisms, etc. All of those layers of communication are probabilities that you can stack in your favor to get your message across. Environment and context are critical components of accurate communication. Stack them in your favor by design rather than default.
The people closest to you (spouse, kids) are the easiest one with whom to go “unconscious” in your communication. We think we know them because of the years we’ve spent together or decades of history. This makes it easy to jump to assumptions, and assumptions are always dangerous. Be very mindful of that.
No matter what you hear, always remember the first step you must take in communication: slow down so you can respond rather than react.
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