We believe there is a cure.
If you are experiencing challenges in your marriage recently that leave you questioning its future, please do me one thing – hang in there a bit longer.
The past few months has no doubt brought dramatic change to how we live our lives, including our professional lives as financial advisors. With it has come tremendous pressure and stress. Stress about the future of our jobs or perhaps stress over how to pay the bills after losing a job. We are home with the kids 24/7 all while trying to balance it all.
Roles and routines have been forced to change dramatically and with it the expectations of each other has been greatly affected. Even the social nature of human beings has been deprived. There are no rules in how to live with one another under these circumstances.
Our usual outlets to expel frustration have been shut down – no gyms, no stores for shopping, no bars to blow off the stress of the day.
Energy has to go somewhere. Even if it is not our spouse directly causing the stress, they are the easiest target to alleviate the energy. With all of this disruption, it has caused many couples to question if they can live with their spouse any longer.
Don’t succumb to the trap. Be patient. Recognize that both of you are living in an alternate reality; a reality that won’t last forever. I have seen couples that are very strong and healthy in normal times deteriorate at such a rapid pace under these circumstances.
What to do?
- Focus on the future. Recognize that this situation is temporary. Write down what each of you would like the relationship to be once this pandemic is over.It can be an opportunity to grow as a couple. It would also be worthwhile to explore what you want to achieve in your individual capacity – maybe you want to sign up for financial advisor coaching.
- Take responsibility of yourself first.It takes the mix of the idiosyncrasies of two people to create problems. Do not expect the other person to be motivated to change, if you have not looked at yourself first. It reminds me of the old adage: ‘point one finger at someone else and there are three fingers pointing back at you.’ It is amazing how we can shape the behavior of someone else just by changing our own. Perhaps try take a personal timeout.
- Choose your experience. The narrative you have over a situation will shape your experience of it.If your narrative is that your spouse is a lazy idiot who could care less about you – then that has a predictable future. If your narrative is that ‘we are both stressed and not ourselves’, it provides space for forgiveness until times return to normal.
- Turn your attention on the best parts of your spouse. Whatever you give attention to, you get more of. If you moan and groan about the messes they leave – you will get more messes and an F.U. attitude in return. If you acknowledge the other person for what they have done – you will get more of that. An acknowledgement goes a long way. People have a strong desire to live up to the things they are acknowledged for.
- Turn off the news. You may be asking how this is related… The media is a drama centric and it thrives on perpetuating negative emotions – fear, disgust, angst, etc.That enters your psyche and creates a layer of angst to pile on your other frustrations. The world is not a terrible place when we turn off the news (media conditioning outlet).
Do yourself a favor and allow the experience of the current time to dissipate and use the opportunity to first work on yourself becoming a new and improved person. It is effort you will achieve the best return on your attention and watch as the world improves along with you!
